Who’s The “Man”

Updated: Nov 17, 2020

“Who is the ‘man’ in your relationship?” The amount of times we’ve been asked that by people,(usually cis hetero men), is more than we can keep track of at this point. What is it with everyone trying to force masculine or feminine roles within same sex couples?!  As if the idea of there being no male presence in a relationship is not imaginable.

They then proceed to try and “crack the man in us”. (Haha I just came up with that). Petite femme women like us, they almost seem baffled at the idea of how we would survive “alone” without a man. They normally follow all their curiosity with , “well who does most of the cooking” or “who fixes things around the house the most?” ”, and when they find out Claudia loves working with tools and fixing things they are quick to assume she is the “man” in our relationship. It is very stereotypical to create a gender for daily chores or tasks within couples. To which I have no objection sometimes since it has gotten me out of taking out the trash and having to do much of the heavy lifting around the house. I’ll jokingly remind her you’re the “handy [one]” if she objects to something I just don’t feel like doing. Don’t be fooled it comes back to bite me come laundry day. The thing is though, it is not about her doing “manly” chores or me doing “womanly” chores it is about her and I having an unspoken agreement to getting our house chores done. Even if you put it in terms of who is the Alpha or Beta, the society in which we are evolving in is slowly but surely more accepting of a heterosexual man being a beta. It is okey for a woman to be the Alpha of the house and the man to be the Beta. Being one or the other does not make you more masculine or feminine in any way, in the same way that the Beta man is no longer the guy assumed to be gay if he enjoys yoga, dresses fashionably(really who doenst like a fashionable man?), or is not a carnivore. His ego doesn’t depend on scoring macho points.  We can understand Betas have less of a need for control, and they may have less interest in a position of leading than an Alpha would.  The Alpha is the one who exerts power and influence through her ability to take charge of the conversation, while the Beta will tend to listen and support. Like anything in excess an Alpha may be too confrontational; a Beta may be too passive. However, I believe that there must always be a balance within a relationship.

Similar to chores around the house, we both know when to put on our Alpha hat or vice versa. We were both raised in a Mexican household in which we were never allowed to forget that gender roles do apply. However,being the outspoken women we are, we both made sure to fight that every step of the way reminding our brothers and fathers that we would not stand to serve a man if the work is not reciprocated; We live in the 20th century and just like women can get up and feed themselves and clean after themselves they too have two hands that work perfectly fine. As a result, when we began living together and got married, we both made it clear that we would put forth equal work, one way or the other. Along the way we also learned to allow each of our alpha and beta parts shine when needed. I believe gender roles are the same as sexuality, It’s fluid and can change based on the person you are with. So if you absolutely hate taking out the trash or hate doing laundry then find the person who doesn’t mind it so much because lets be real, no one REALLY likes chores. The idea of “feminine” chores and “masculine” chores is really a lot of foolishness along with the idea that there is a “man” in all relationships.

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